For countless years, Americans have been obsessed with what we’ve colloquially dubbed “beauty culture”, and have searched this indeterminate amount of time for the perfect diet to compliment our supposed inner beauty.
In years past, we’ve seen popularity hop scotch from culinary delight to not-so-much during this desperate attempt to discover the food that holds the secret to unimaginable health. Lately, spirulina, blueberries, chia seeds and other “power foods” have dominated the the food pyramid, guaranteeing the healthiest, longest, and most attractive life possible.
Nonetheless, life is full of changes, and recent discoveries point to a new king of slim.
Step aside kale, the limelight has been stolen by none other than mariachi.
I sense your doubt. What does music have to do with personal health, physical, mental, or otherwise? Let me put it this way. Would you still enjoy Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 without the soundtrack? Would you have seen Les Misérables if not for the songs? Would you know who Beyoncé… bad example. However, without music, the unadulterated glory that is Beyoncé would be less widespread to the great suffering and pain of American society.
Nevertheless, whether heartbreakingly tear jerking or violent and rage inducing, it’s evident that music is powerful. And as outlandish as my logic may seem, it’s secretly infallible due to one crucial fact: it’s everything we’ve been looking for.
As anticlimactic as that revelation may seem, it’s despairingly true. Mariachi music is zero calorie, gluten free, GMO free, low sodium, sugar free, zero carbs, zero fats, diet, low serving size, vegetarian, vegan, soy free, low cholesterol, and all the wonderful promises we search for on brightly colored labels.
Not only are we keeping out all those harmful substances out of our bodies, but contrary to popular belief, Mariachi is surprisingly tasteful. With spicy trumpets adding a kick and smooth guitars giving a delicious texture, this music genre is an altogether delectable meal, not to mention a palatable snack.
Regardless of taste, Mariachi music retains favor with its natural motivation towards exercise. Whether it’s running to the beat, hot yoga, or just plain dancing your heart out, the irresistibility of the chord progression guarantees you’ll start moving your feet.
Just remember, if you feel dizziness, lethargy, have trouble focusing, or just a general lack of energy, that means the Mariachi diet is working. Although there’s a high probability of hospitalization, you’ll look beautiful, which is the true indicator of health.
So when Trump builds that wall, we need to make sure it’s not soundproof, or at least has an intercom system.
PHOTO CAPTION: Mariachi music has been found to give all the health benefits we look for (Photo Credit: Plaza Azteca).
By Meredith Sayler